Top Ten Search Terms

Please forgive the marvelous solipsism of this post, but I find the ways that people discover things on the internet absolutely fascinating, especially when they relate directly to the content I’ve posted on this blog.

I spend quite a chunk of time at work looking through search engine terms that have referred people to the university website, but I’m not sick enough of it to prevent me doing exactly the same thing at home.

If I’m being honest, part of the reason I’m blogging is to investigate this, to autodidactically teach myself search engine optimization. At least that’s the theory; in practice I’m doing a combination of trolling for hits and lolling at the strangeness of the world.

Anyway, this morning I checked my search engine referrals as usual, and there was such an awesome way into this blog that I thought it’s time for a top ten. So here they are; not chosen purely for how many hits they’ve brought in, nor purely for how much they’ve made me lol or smdh or go wtf, but for a combination of all three reasons, and then some more, that I don’t even understand myself.

1. chick masturbating in black swan
This is the term that caused the list when I spotted it this morning. Technically I think the googler should have used the term “cygnet”, but you can’t have everything.

2. asthmaticrap
I have no idea what “asthmaticrap” might be, but if you search it there are 6 results from google, the top two of which lead you to this blog and me using the term “asthmatic rap” in relation to Kanye West.

3. jamie oliver turkey and leek pie
Literally hundreds, if not thousands, of people have found this blog due to that term, which was a blatant attempt to trawl people in. It worked. It also turned up a billion variations on the phrasing – from “turkey pire jamei olire” to “sat nav cover jamie oliver turkey leek pie”. I mean, wtf?!

4. sick mouthy bog
Many variations on “sickmouthy” and “sick mouthy blog”, mainly used by my wife who is too idle to bookmark me, but the above typo (I think by my wife) remains my favourite. Another notable variation is “sick mouthy = twitter”. Stephen Fry is looking over his shoulder.

5. elongated uncut dick
I have no idea what they found, but I suspect it wasn’t what they were looking for.

6. too much of everything can make you sick
Again, not sure what this person was after, but I’m happy to oblige. I really like the phrase. Maybe I’ll title a blog post after it one day.

7. faceless techno bolloks (sic)
Brief and to the point. I just about recognized Dan Snaith at the Caribou Thekla gig in November, to be fair.

8. mouthy expander
Again, not sure my blog would have actually helped this person. I dare not ponder why they want to expand their mouth.

9. top films of the noughties
Leading to an old post from before I knew I could get such rich analytic data from WordPress (and thus before I started actively pimping), this search (and its variations) has brought a few hundred people here in the last 12 months or so. Hopefully it’s lead to some people watching some good films, too.

10. kanye west fantasy mastering
Again, several variations on this, including “kanye twisted overcompressed” and many others, heartening proof that I’m not the only one who thinks Mr West’s latest sounds like shit.

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